From High-Achieving to IDGAF

I enter the last year of my 30s in a little over three months, and let me tell you something: a thug is tired! I was a high-achieving little Black girl who became a high-performing Black woman, and I have now reached the stage of not wanting to do shit.

I have accomplished so much in such a short time, and I am unsure whether I have stepped back to enjoy any of it. At some point, all the accomplishments began to blur, and the ambition I thought was mine began to fade. I honestly find it sad that people in my life have to remind me of what I have done because I have forgotten. I suspect I have forgotten because I was rarely present in those moments. I was just there, doing what needed to be done. Not feeling, not experiencing, simply doing.

I had high expectations placed on me growing up, and in retrospect I understand why, but goddamn. More was expected of me because I could do it, even if I did not want to. Those around me knew I could, so they pushed me.

It took me until around 35 years old to truly see and accept my Black brilliance. I struggled to acknowledge what others believed about me and worked tirelessly to minimize and shrink who and what I am down to normal. I am not normal, never have been, and I know that now.

Nothing about me is average, and that is okay. Thinkers and theorists do not get to be average. However, we do get exhausted. Sometimes you want to see the world like everyone else, but you do not have the ability to, which will ultimately land you in a cyclical relationship with IDGAF, because you really do, but you don't, you know what I mean? 

Inside me lives a little Black girl from San Diego who was plucked and placed in every leadership program imaginable. I took advanced academic courses from middle school through high school. Hell, I finished my high school credits early, so I had to enroll in community college my senior year. I started undergrad with college credits, and despite changing my major four times, I still graduated on time. I have led major events, groups, activities, and programs since 2003. I know without a doubt that I have made an impact on most of the things I have touched, which helps dissolve any lingering guilt that does not belong to me as I prepare to retire from this work.

I have done so much, and yes, I could do more. However, not at the pace I have maintained for the last two decades. I will show up differently for myself in this next phase of my life, which means I have to do less to do more. 

Ironically, as it might sound, IDGAF, but I do, and that is exactly what it will take to get me where I am headed.