The heart knows

Attempting to make sense of your feelings using only your intellect can lead to suffering. Our feelings are guided by spirit, and spirit resides in the heart. Leading with and living from your heart requires a kind of vulnerability that many do not know how to access, are afraid to display, or are unwilling to practice. I have maintained a nuanced relationship with vulnerability, and not the unseasoned sour creamed doused Brené Brown version of vulnerability. I am talking about the kind of vulnerability that requires more than daring courage; it requires you to divest from the conditioning you were told keeps you safe when, in fact, that same conditioning controls you and keeps you from living. 

The ego defense mechanisms I previously used most were rationalization and intellectualization. I had mastered giving reasons for anything, as long as I did not have to feel or deal with it. I falsely believed that feelings had to make sense; if they did not, they were not valid, and if they were not valid, I was not allowed to experience them. I spent so many years hiding from myself in the work. Doing for others, leading projects, creating programs, showing up, speaking out, dealing with loss, and managing heartbreak. 

Then the day finally arrived when I was sick of my own shit. I no longer wanted to defend my ego; instead, I chose to let it go. I was exhausted from trying to make sense of things, so I decided to let things be as they are. I was done lying to myself about who I am and what I would like to contribute to the world. Ultimately, I concluded that I no longer wanted to participate in my own suffering. 

I neglected my heart and quieted my spirit for so long that I began to lose trust in myself. I was choosing to ignore what I needed for the sake of others, and I was performing a version of vulnerability that was safe rather than authentic. As an overthinker in recovery, I have accepted that I have to trust myself and feel safe enough in my body to allow my heart to lead. The more I grow, learn, unlearn, and heal, the more I understand that the heart knows, the spirit guides, and the mind decides.