We owe each other

I have spent the last two weeks trying to make sense of my complex and indifferent feelings toward men, and while I really wanted to join the “f*ck them n!ggas” gang, I cannot. 

Admittedly, I do not have a dating history that involves acts of violence or physical harm, and that is honestly because I do not have the most extensive dating history. For the most part, I have kept men at an arm's length away, not for fear of my physical safety, but for my emotional and intellectual safety. Even though I am not a part of the “f*ck them n!ggas” gang, I am a part of the “why are you single” one, and I take no pleasure in being a member.

Due to my occupation, I suffer from chronic behavior pattern recognition syndrome and exhausting self-awareness. These two things make it extremely difficult to date men, but not to be in community with them. The longer I remain single, the clearer I see the many ways we have harmed each other and how easily we have forgotten what we owe each other.

We owe each other safety, curiosity, and care. 

To say that I have not been disappointed by the actions and inactions of men would be a lie. To say that my heart does not break when I witness how both men and women draw their swords to defend patriarchy would be false. There is no single side to blame, but we cannot deny where the vast majority of power lies and who is killing the other at disproportionate rates. 

I am tired. I love y’all, AND I am tired.

I should not have to question whether I want to remain in community with men, but I do. I know that things would not be easier if I exiled men from my life, because we belong to each other and we deserve the healthiest, whole version of ourselves, but damn.

Where do we go from here? 

I do not have an answer for the collective we, but I will share my intentions. I am unable and unwilling to enter into any relationship with a man who threatens my physical, emotional, and intellectual safety. Ladies, you need to do the same. I refuse to exchange energy and fluids with a man who does not understand that I am the main character in my story and he is the main character in his. To believe that someone is supposed to make you the main character in their life while they take on a supporting role in their own life is ridiculous and unhealthy. Once both parties recognize this and sacrifice their egos, trust me, you can make a movie.  

I am very clear about my assignments while earthside, and I cannot be in relationships or community with people who believe they are bigger than the program and refuse to acknowledge and provide what we owe each other.

Patriarchy is incredibly violent and harms all of us. We deserve better from each other, and if we refuse to give each other what we owe one another, we will keep dying. Now imagine if we are all dead and gone, THEY win, and I can’t have that, so tighten up!